The Case of the Stolen Hearse

When I started thinking about the writing of this post it was going to be totally different. Events this morning have changed my whole focus on the subject. I definitely cannot say my life is boring.

You may remember when I wrote my first post about starting the "online dating thing" and I mentioned I was reluctant to do it because all I had heard about it were horror stories. That is probably because all the stories I have heard are from the same person, my friend GG. She picks them well. This is another horror story she can add to the list.

Lets back up to about three weeks ago. We are both up to our ankles in emails from eligible bachelors. She met this guy, who we are going to call MF from now on. I'm not telling what that stands for. They started hanging out and he was very nice and sweet and GG overlooked the obvious red flags that were hitting her over the head. I did that too, I have to admit.

Fast forward now to last night. It was GG's 40th birthday party. I had asked her what did she wanted to do for her birthday about two weeks ago. She told me that it would be funny if she had a 40th birthday party at a funeral home. Sort of like the end of life kind of thing. Ok, she open the flood gates! You give me a theme for a party and I run with it and keep running and running and running... and in this neighborhood they always go along with my crazy ideas.

This last two weeks have been a little hectic with the MM issue and the GG birthday planning but I have to say the party last night went great! The party was at Chad Wilson's house that is big and beautiful and full of antique furniture. It was the perfect night to die. It was pouring out with thunder here and there. I had arranged for a hearse to pick her up at her house and bring her to the party. MF drove the hearse.

She arrived at the party and everyone was wearing their finest funeral attire. The coroner and the grave digger were present. There were photos of the deceased thru the years, her death certificate was signed by a real doctor, and there was even a display of the pictures of the crime scenes in the Lowertown Murders. The Lowertown Murders is an unsolved case were many of the Lowertown neighbors were found dead and foul play is suspected. Bob O'Brien, the landlord of the deceased, read the eulogy and many of those present said a few words about how she will not be missed. I took video and when it is edited, I'll post it here.
Anyway, as I said, it was a great party. GG looked beautiful. MF was always by GG's side accompanying her and answering her every need. She was forced to have dirty martinis all night so when the party was over, GG was a little too happy. MF smokes and every once in a while he would leave GG's side to go outside and kill himself slowly. So when the party was almost over he disappeared but everyone thought he was out smoking. Everyone left except for a few friends. I had a headache and was exhausted so I left too.

This morning after getting up once after listening to Dinsky beg for food for half an hour and going back to bed, the phone rang. I was too tired to get up and answer. Finally about half an hour later, I got up and the phone rang again. This time I picked it up. It was GG. She never calls this early. Something was wrong. She tells me the unimaginable. MF had stolen the hearse!!! He had left the party with the hearse and no one had heard of him since. She had called the police and they were on their way. I couldn't make this up. This is like a movie, a hilarious horror movie.

A few hours later we found out what had happened last night. He had been arrested by the police 4 blocks away from the party because he was driving under the influence with a suspended license and almost hit someone. Not to mention he was driving a hearse! I can't imagine how he explained the hearse to the police. This was his third DUI and now he is happily in prison where he belongs probably playing Scrabble.

I'm glad this didn't turned out worst than it could have. I'm glad he is gone and got what he deserved but I'm also sad that now GG birthday, which is actually today, is ruined. And now it is my job as a good BFF to make her feel better and edit the video in a way that he never shows up which is going to be really hard. That chapter of the novel is over, lets turn the page.


Suzanne said...


Jlily said...

Please don't ever plan a birthday party for me. I am much too close to that end without hurrying it along!! Happy Birthday GG! Jlily

anessa said...

Oh my goodness! HA! Paducah has gotten so WILD since we left! You didn't ruin GG's b-day---You just helped make it really, really memorable.

Happy B-day GG!


Nikki D. May said...

Just for the record, MF (who I am NOT calling that), was planning on coming back to the party. He went out for cigarettes (without telling anyone) and was almost back when he got stopped. He was guilty of bad judgment, but NOT of stealing the hearse. He's paying quite a high legal price for that stupid thoughtless mistake, he's apologized profusely, and I'm not adding to it by holding a grudge. I hope the rest of you won't either!